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 Poetry of the Dark Side

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SithSider

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Age : 27

PostSubject: Poetry of the Dark Side   Sun May 11, 2014 10:04 pm

So this was my contribution to the Monthly Contest.

I was hoping to get some real critique on it, so please tell me what you think!

Clapping in the distance
Like hands in an audience
Followed by a flash of light
To make cameras blush bright

A rolling in the skies
Like a standing ovation
The sky above cries
The air brings a heavy sensation

The actor on the stage
Is drenched in sweat and effort
Amid the storm's rage
Where he practiced in the rain
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pjkio03
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry of the Dark Side   Sun May 11, 2014 10:18 pm

I like what you did there, although the actor at the end was a bit of a twist. The last stanza was a little confusing. Was the actor practicing out in the storm this whole time, or is the storm a metaphor for hard work?
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Omniyus
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PostSubject: Re: Poetry of the Dark Side   Tue May 13, 2014 2:12 pm

Hey there Sith! I'm going to critique this a bit for you Very Happy. Warning you now, I don't have tons of experience with poetry, but since this is free verse, I should be fine. Let's get started, shall we?

(For future reference, I'm going to putting what your poem says in quotes, and my remarks are going to be below the quote I'm referencing.)

SithSider wrote:
Clapping in the distance
Like hands in an audience
Followed by a flash of light
To make cameras blush bright

Good start! I'm really intrigued about how you're comparing the storm to an audience and things like that. It really gives some nice imagery that's both easy to understand and relate to, and fun and creative. Good job!

Quote :
The air brings a heavy sensation

So, this sentence just kind of brings the whole poem down. Not in an extremely noticeable way, but it distracts from the whole flow of the poem, just because it's a lot longer than the lines before it, and it doesn't really directly reference the line before it, like the rest of the poem. Just a thought!

Quote :
Is drenched in sweat and effort
Amid the storm's rage
Where he practiced in the rain

Okay, this is where this poem takes a dive. First off, the second sentence (or the first in the quote above) of the last stanza is quite different than the rest, because you used a linking verb. Before, you used direct metaphors or similes, but now you just used describing by the word 'is'. This throws off the whole tempo of the poem. This stanza is probably the weakest of the three you have, not because of the ideas presented in there, but by how you executed them.

There's a lot of potential in this poem, and it's a great poem, by far! I hope you continue to write and post them here, because I would love to read them!

~AQ

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Syrena

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PostSubject: Re: Poetry of the Dark Side   Thu May 15, 2014 2:44 pm

You have a really good style for rhyme and imagery. Your comparisons very artistic and I really like all that; however the poem and its meaning were a little too ambiguous and the meaning of the poem was lessened by that.
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